I am feeling like crap for the first time in probably about a year. My world seems off kilter. I have had bad moments at work, I am frustrated with money as is everyone else. I feel tired and like I am going to just burst into tears on a whim. some have suggested that I may be clinically depressed. Some have said that I am just stressed the fuck out. I have lost friends and made enemies and for the first time in my life feel like there are moments that I am not welcome. I miss my friends. I haven't seen them in months.
The lovely miss Kate and I spent the evening with some friends of mine who live in Seattle. The benevolent Queen Samantha And The Bruce. We had a good time but what struck me for the first time in my life was not the company of my good friends, or even the presence of the love of my life. What hit me hardest was spending time with Sami's kids, Pip and Lola.
I have always been good with children but never very comfortable. And maybe Lola is given to just telling everyone she loves them but when it was said to me something just broke inside me. It may be someone else's child but part of me flashed back to how my father was with me.
My childhood wasn't by any means horrible but I was a misfit child who didn't have many friends and was very unsure about where he was going or that he would even be worth anything. I used to stand in front of mirrors at the age of 10 and wonder why I had to be me. Now some might point to this as more evidence of clinical depression but I don't think so. I just wasn't aware of what I had. I had parents who loved and cared for me the best they could. Which on further examination is pretty damn good. I like me. I like who I have become. I just don't always have that completely in focus. And my lovely creative mother and my solid as a rock and inspirational father have made all the difference in that.
So as I sat playing and tickling and having made up conversations with stuffed animals and playing possibly the worst but most hilarious game of hide and seek ever, I felt like fatherhood is something I could do. Maybe not right away but it isn't beyond me. I know that I can react well in the bad situations. It was just trying to be a friendly and at ease individual with kids that escaped me.
Mind you none of this really solves any of my actual problems but even though work sucks and I can't really breathe through my nose right now...I feel good. And with the lovely miss Kate sleeping in the next room I feel like there isn't anything I can't overcome.
I love you all. But mostly to my mother and father I love you two with all my heart. You are the greatest people I know and I hope if I have children to do as good a job as you have for me.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
P.S. They cannot read this quite yet but I figured I should also say I love you to Pip and Lola. Without even knowing it you helped a very sad person reclaim a little more of himself.
