My real gift is yet to be in the mail.

There are things you would like to tell a person but can't because there is no natural way to say it. There is never a conversation short of someone dying that allows for the kind of praise a person should get for the great things they have done for you.

So what do you do?

You send a card.

Create a special day for them.

You write a blog maybe.

This is what I can do. Tomorrow is a very special day. One that I have let pass by for so many years without the proper reverence it should have. Some might blame me or circumstances but neither of those is the purpose of this exercise. You see tomorrow is June 4.

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday.

I have reached a point in my life where the woman who is so special to my family deserves to know how much love and regard I have for her.

This feeling goes beyond even the very basic gratefulness for my life as a whole. It is deeper than that. We live in an age where accidental children and forgotten parenting are the subjects of reality television. No, truly my gratitude goes way beyond just existence. It's in how I was raised.

My mother and father always said that they did there absolute best to do right by my brother and me. They expressed humility by saying they think did an OK job but I can't imagine anyone doing better. Let me say aloud what I am sure they already know.

My brother and I are the spectacular beings we are because of them.

Not to dismiss my father in this now, because he is important too, but this day isn't for him. He will get his own another time. And I am sure he would agree with me when I say that she deserves it. She is after all his "favorite girl" as he posted in a letter to me once.

My mother has a grace about her and a strength that is unmatched in any person I have ever known. She is generous and kind to all those who touch her life for the shortest moment. She would shy from the public spotlight but if she had it in her to be seen in that light she would absolutely shine. Her art, her knowledge, her common sense, and her gift for not so much words as the right words in any given situation are almost magic to behold. I am in awe of her. And I want everyone who reads this to know and acknowledge that fact. I know she is going to get a lot of happy birthdays and have a great days, but i just want her know that I am not the only who thinks this about her. So leave your comments here or on the thread to the facebook thread that is created here. Tell her more than Happy Birthday. I give you the chance to tell this women who means so much to so many people exactly how wonderful she is.

Happy Birthday Barbara McClelland

I love you more than those words can possibly express.

You are more than just my mother, you are a shining example of everything I hope to be.

With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel

not feeling well.

I am feeling like crap for the first time in probably about a year. My world seems off kilter. I have had bad moments at work, I am frustrated with money as is everyone else. I feel tired and like I am going to just burst into tears on a whim. some have suggested that I may be clinically depressed. Some have said that I am just stressed the fuck out. I have lost friends and made enemies and for the first time in my life feel like there are moments that I am not welcome. I miss my friends. I haven't seen them in months.

The lovely miss Kate and I spent the evening with some friends of mine who live in Seattle. The benevolent Queen Samantha And The Bruce. We had a good time but what struck me for the first time in my life was not the company of my good friends, or even the presence of the love of my life. What hit me hardest was spending time with Sami's kids, Pip and Lola.

I have always been good with children but never very comfortable. And maybe Lola is given to just telling everyone she loves them but when it was said to me something just broke inside me. It may be someone else's child but part of me flashed back to how my father was with me.

My childhood wasn't by any means horrible but I was a misfit child who didn't have many friends and was very unsure about where he was going or that he would even be worth anything. I used to stand in front of mirrors at the age of 10 and wonder why I had to be me. Now some might point to this as more evidence of clinical depression but I don't think so. I just wasn't aware of what I had. I had parents who loved and cared for me the best they could. Which on further examination is pretty damn good. I like me. I like who I have become. I just don't always have that completely in focus. And my lovely creative mother and my solid as a rock and inspirational father have made all the difference in that.

So as I sat playing and tickling and having made up conversations with stuffed animals and playing possibly the worst but most hilarious game of hide and seek ever, I felt like fatherhood is something I could do. Maybe not right away but it isn't beyond me. I know that I can react well in the bad situations. It was just trying to be a friendly and at ease individual with kids that escaped me.

Mind you none of this really solves any of my actual problems but even though work sucks and I can't really breathe through my nose right now...I feel good. And with the lovely miss Kate sleeping in the next room I feel like there isn't anything I can't overcome.

I love you all. But mostly to my mother and father I love you two with all my heart. You are the greatest people I know and I hope if I have children to do as good a job as you have for me.

With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel

P.S. They cannot read this quite yet but I figured I should also say I love you to Pip and Lola. Without even knowing it you helped a very sad person reclaim a little more of himself.

An open letter to the one I love.

I put the pen to paper but don't know what to write.
I should be working but your face just fills my head.
I love you.
Up until this point I loved you like a child.
A love so scared and suspicious. A love that made me cry in your absence, for fear that I was alone and you would never return.
But true love comes with trust. Love that lasts comes with no fear. It is time I stopped being afraid.
Everyone leaves eventually. We cannot fear the inevitable.
I will one day die. One day I will leave. Forever. One day so will you.
I will not fear that day. Instead I will embrace the inevitable and let go of fear.
I love you. I always will. And now I love as an adult.
I trust you. I trust that you love me and would tell me if that changed.
You are my other half. and part of me feels missing when you are gone. But I carry on with a smile because I trust you will return.
I am done with fear and suspicion.
I give myself fully to your love.
I give myself fully to you.
Whatever you need.
I love you. No matter what happens that will never change.
I love you

merry christmas to you all!

The past several years the only thing that excited me about Christmas were the presents. In fact the past 31 years to be exact. For my whole life the only thing that excited me was giving and receiving presents. To my credit as I got older it was mostly the giving that excited me but that was mostly to revel in what an excellent gift giver I was.

This year is different. I am not sure what I am so excited for but I know it has nothing to do with gifts. Though I am excited about those brightly colored packages there is something else that stirs in me.

It isn't presents and it isn't religion. people have been trying to get me on that train for years and I am sorry I do not have it in me. In fact this year I have regressed when it comes to religion and could classify myself as a dyed in the wool agnostic. I still believe in key fundamental things I was taught from childhood I just don't necessarily believe that god or Jesus are responsible for them. I am not sure any intelligence is behind it but my personal beliefs aren't the subject here.

I am discussing what makes Christmas exciting. The real thing that I am excited for I guess is the other people in my life. There so many people in my life that I love dearly and I am constantly amazed by their continuing love and affection.With these people in my life everyday is Christmas. Every time we hug or kiss or just compliment each other I feel the same power that used to come only from the promise of material goods.

I went to zoolights at point defiance with my new love in my life. To watch her face light up in the multicolored lights, to see how excited she was at every corner and every new exhibit, to laugh and hold one another in the festive celebration opened my eyes to the possibility that it isn't gifts or the promise of redemption. It isn't the celebration of religion or commerce that touches me this season. Its the other people in my world. It's their joy and their gratitude. It is and always should have been shared joy and love in all forms with those who are my friends and family that make my season special.

Not just my season...my whole life.

So sing the songs, open gifts, drink eggnog and hot chocolate with cookies and laughter, and have a Merry Christmas. Because you all deserve it. Just remember to stop and look at those people that make your life special and in that moment love them as much as you can, and if at all possible freeze that emotion for those people and keep it all year.

Love and Merry Christmas to you all.

With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel

The other side of me.

Let's face it folks...lately I have been extraordinarily happy. Which makes it increasingly difficult to write a blog on a regular basis that is full of venom and anger. A happy pirate gets boring. So I have decided in order to keep up my writing output and to feel like I am laying all out on the table for friends and family to see my thoughts as they occur I am focusing on my other side. My other personality.

It would appear when I am not busy plundering and pillaging ships out on the open sea, I am riding to the rescue of those in need and to the aid of a certain damsel in distress. There are parts of me that want to do...good deeds apparently.

And I think there is no better day to start the positive output of my personality than on the day of thanks.

So let's get started shall we.

I am in love. A subject that I have had issues with in the past. But it feels different this time. It doesn't have an expectation of me. It doesn't want me to become anything more than I am already. Because of this I want to be better. It makes me yearn to be the best man I can. It is internal revelation. A phrase I have used a lot lately.

Change in people comes from when they realize change must occur and they believe it within themselves truly. We externally cannot change anyone. No matter how much we yell and scream or beg and plead that person will never learn anything. I am changing.

I find myself noticing things that are amazing in my life. It finally feels like I am making all the right moves. Taking all the right steps. and I have all of you to thank for it. I already named a bunch of you over at black flag. So I wont cover that again, but all those mentioned should know that I am thinking of all of you constantly every time I think or do something wonderful. You are my inspiration.

I love truly and simply, purely and intentionally. And I will do everything I can to preserve this feeling.

With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel